For Peace.

in my search                                                                
for the last piece
of my mind
i lost while
attempting
to find peace
in my heart
i decided
to write
and right
to the left
of where
i last looked
taking refuge
in the refuse
of the mess
i made
i found
peace of mind
shivering
amongst
the broken pieces
of my heart
taking time
to mend and console
as i allowed her to do so
i held her close
until she was whole
and i promised
never again
to lose her
or me
i promised
never again
to allow
another piece
of history
deny me
the peace
promised
in reaching
my destiny
the peace
that for me
simply is

Lamentations in a valley... FEAR?

                                                                                    "Even though I walk
                                                                                       through the valley
                                                                                   of the shadow of death
                                                                                       I will fear no evil..."
                                                                                 

                                                                                          i won't call it fear...
                                                                                                
                                                                                                       for
                                                                                           every step reveals
                                                                                             something new
                                                                                             every decision
                                                                                             something true
                                                                                            and every action
                                                                                      something unmistakable

                                                                                           i won't call it fear...
                                                                                                     failing
                                                                                                   even after
                                                                                                    realizing
                                                                                               that this isn't that
                                                                                              and here isn't there
                                                                                                        and i
                                                                                                      can fight
                                                                                                         or i
                                                                                                     can whine
                                                                                                         but i
                                                                                                 don't have time
                                                                                               within this rhyme
                                                                                                   to decipher
                                                                                                     or decide

                                                                                                         still...
                                                                                               i won't call it fear
                                                                   
                                                                                                         fate
                                                                                         eventually allows release
                                                                                              so instead of afraid
                                                                                              love has been made
                                                                                              manifest before me,
                                                                                             writing the next verse
                                                                                                       in a song
                                                                                                        which is
                                                                                                        my story.

                                                                                                         hence,
                                                                                              i won't call it fear.

                                                                                                     i'll just say...
                                                                                                     i'm a tad bit
                                                                                                    overwhelmed
                                                                                            and i'm okay with that.

It is what it is!

I decided to remain inactive at one point expecting for the tragedy of my personality to seem aesthetically pleasing again, maybe I need a miracle or maybe I need to just sit and persevere with a joyful heart… but how can I? It's almost Christmas and the weather is still confused, almost as much as I am about who I am… and the gap, where I am now, standing behind the glass door staring anxiously at everything I want. It's painful, all the bitterness and heaviness in my chest is causing my back to ache… I'm not complaining. Everyday of this year has been the worst day of the year, sometimes I feel like I'm doing something substantial but then something(one) ruins it. Am I trying too hard? Someone once said life is like a pool, you have to let go and relax and take it a stroke at a time. I don't know how to just relax and remain totally dependent. I'm calm on the surface, everyone seems to get the vibe of warmth around me except me. I'm a restless soul, I want everything together at once and I do feel like I can do it but somewhere around the struggle I've lost my push, my will to will… dear Twentee5, *sigh*. It has been said that when you reach the end of your rope, you should tie a knot and hold on; but what happens when in the process of holding, your arms grow fatigued and your perspiring hands begin to cramp, causing you to lose your grip? There is a tiredness known only to the mind which encapsulates the spirit and invades the body to the point of what feels like an irreversible, inevitable demise, oblivion to self perhaps. Thankfully, feelings are not the final note... I have my brain but it's weak from all the pondering.

In this moment of melancholy, the desire to say what for now cannot be expressed, it hangs heavily on my chest. The need to speak in truth that which cannot yet be spoken in love, prevents me from opening the pressure valve on emotions long past the point of needing release... gagged by words not willing to be spoken, masking the pain of a spirit that lies helplessly inside me . You are not ready to receive the truth I am capable of sharing, I am not ready to speak it to my hearing either. I'm floating, falling, drowning in my mess... you cannot believe anything from me until I can conceive and accept the probability that what I want to be a lie is substantially true. If only I stepped outside the realm of deception in which I hold on to. The possibilities of me doing anything remotely connected to accepting the truth is HIGHLY unlikely so for now, it is what it is.

My Heart...

... loves a man
that doesn't understand
that while i can't imagine
a tomorrow without him
life has given me
a multitude of [to]days
from which he has been absent

my heart loves a man
who is not ready to accept
that i am so drawn to his intellect
that i can barely keep myself in check

the chatter in the background
disguised as the lives we live
will not afford us the opportunity
for either of us to consider
the possibility that we
could be
just what
the other
needs
wants
desires


the paths of our lives
somehow still managed to intertwine
and yet in a parallel dimension we exist
as we examine each twist
of the dance we do
first her
next him
then me
now you

my heart loves this man
and refuses to understand
why "yes" can't be maybe
"one day" can't be now
why "i love you" can't be enough