Doodles... in words.

"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at crossroads. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. And, of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back", quoting myself from a previous post, this is me now. Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. I could tell you who said it, but who the heck cares. I just tell myself to be happy but I don’t feel happy, I don't want to be happy. And when I try against my will to change it, when I try to remember what being happy felt like, I can’t. I don’t feel joy. I don’t feel inspired. I just feel numb. It all feels so fake, y'know? This idea that good things happen to good people. That there’s magic in the world, and that the meek and the righteous will inherit it. Too many good people suffer for that to be true. Too many prayers go unanswered. And every day it gets worse. Every day we ignore how truly broken this world is, and we tell ourselves it’s all going to be okay but it’s not going to be okay. Once you understand that, you'll see how affected you are . There’s no magic in the world… at least today there isn’t. I was thinking about the finality of it all – how someone can leave your world in the blink of an eye and be gone forever. It’s too enormous to think about. It’s too hard. And then you’re just supposed to go on, like you’re supposed to just deal with it? Or are you only supposed to be sad for as long as the flowers last and then go back to telling jokes and reminiscing about the old days. I don’t have any jokes to tell, in fact I hope I don’t hear any joke about it for as long as I live because those days are gone, nothing can bring them back, no amount of laughter can wear the emotional scars out, only bring back stale memories of awesome, abandoned moments. In my subconscious, I'm stunned and paralyzed with terror. I don't know and I cannot explain and even if I knew, I don't want to share but this is what I can assure; The heart knows reason which reason does not know.

'A' is for Awesome!

It's 7:22 in the a.m, I'm having cupcakes and tea… lonely. Well, I've been this way since February 2011 but you know how sometimes you refuse to accept somethings because you feel like that reality never played in your fantasies? Yeah. I've been too scared to write, postponing it and hoping that things would change somewhere but it feels like it won't… at least not yet. Let the record show that I, Babe Ruthless, being now of sound mind and below average breast-size, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth… starting now! First of all, I'm single and I don't know what to do with it. I feel like I need a life coach, I can't run this race by myself, then I remember my friends. At some point, I thought about spending my savings on booze and parties to numb the loneliness but I took a short trip and I saw the beauty of the big picture. My advice; never under estimate the power of the judgmental extremists, they sense any weakness and they pounce on their prey like jungle cats. More, the whack pack gets even bigger and bigger, everyone agreeing with them and scared to be their own person and make their own mistakes… but I'm not, I'm not the most classy or disciplined but I'd rather die believing that the human race is capable of loving.


I got excited for a minute, I tried to convince myself that chivalry is not something John Hughes made up in a romantic 80s movie, I tried to see the possibility of it actually existing in my life. I failed. I'm exhausted from dating, I've given out everything, my essence, the things that makes me special, I've lost it. Maybe it's not my fault but I'll take blame, maybe I'm just a stupid whore believing there's a Richard Gere somewhere out there to complete my own version of Pretty Woman or Rapunzel, too scared to step out of my comfort. It isn't what it is, I will make it what it should be. Yes, I can! I want John Cusack from Serendipity, fist-pumping air because he found me. I want Leonardo Di Caprio from Titanic, holding on against the odds, I want to runaway on a bicycle with Ben Affleck from The Town, I want to go hiking with Hugh Jackman after he shows up outside my apartment with a boom-box playing Musiq Soulchild's "So Beautiful". I want to be excited, I've given so much for too little and I don't care how long it takes I won't SETTLE. Someone once said to me "you live your life like it's a movie", well… stay tuned!


Fresh start? Well, if that's what you want to call it. 2011 was a year of sober reflections and lessons, it's only January and I feel like mother nature dumped me on a trampoline, surrounded again by my life, my friends and family bringing optimism and hope to what I thought was over. I'll say I'm back at one, starting at point 'A', where 'A' is for Awesome!