The Unaccompanied Minor

I'm proud to say another sister of mine is getting married, she's absolutely excited about the new life she has accepted. I think that love is the greatest thing that can happen to anyone, finding that one person that understands every word you cannot say, every pain you feel and promises to always be there. What can't you do with a buddy who believes in you? What can't you achieve if they continue to believe in you not regarding your "deficiencies"? You don't know this, but loneliness is underrated… or maybe you do.



One of my hardest lesson, still learning, is how to prioritize. I'm the boss at making foolish, spontaneous decisions, especially when I want something very badly. But I never made a spontaneous decision about love, oh wait.. I have, one time I made a quick exit, but it's not one I wish I didn't. I don’t know why I did it but today, I can recognize that events back then were part of a lifelong pattern in which thinking and doing have either come together or failed to come together, even though I've never done things I had not decided to do- I know, that was gibberish, but you follow. I like the idea of love, I'm a sucker for love related cry movies and Danielle Steel books. But somehow I carry around this silly thought that people are better off alone, no reasons to lie or apologize or explain or worry about stretch marks.



Biology determines much of the way we live. From the moment we're born we know how to breathe and eat. As we grow older, new instincts kick in. We learn from our parents, we become territorial, we seek protection… And most important of all, we reproduce. My sister is about to alter her DNA, maybe not but it sure feels like. She not going to be my sister anymore, she's going to be my sister mixed up with some weird DNA. She's going to have new traditions, new long standing and specific practices… Biology sucks! Biology says that we are who we are from birth, that our DNA is set in stone. Unchangeable. Life changes us. We develop new traits, become less territorial, we stop competing, we learn from our mistakes. We face our greatest fears, for better or worse- we find ways to change our biology. The risk, of course, is that we can change too much, to the point we don't know ourselves. Finding a way back can be difficult… wait, who said anything about "finding a way back" out of love?



I always said I'd be happier alone, like the unaccompanied minor. I'd have my work, my friends and my daughter as my candy and chocolaty treats but someone in my life all the time, like parents? More trouble than it's worth... hey, I got over it. There's a reason I said I'd be happier alone, it was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone because what if you learn that you need love and then you can't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain… again? Losing love is like organ damage or like dying. The only difference is death ends, shattered love? It can go on forever. But it's better to have someone, even if it hurts, even if it's the most painful thing you have to do, even if it's the most painful thing you've ever had to do. Everything is a lot easier if you have someone

You're about to read top secret... don't tell my mommy!

Dear twentee5(er), I totally now get why my dad doesn't want his daughters to get married, yet. I mean apart from the whole wedding ceremony thing which he's not so great at, he maybe trying to tell us that there's a lot more to life than having a "happy ever after". I visited several friends during the weekend, one of which is a relationship atheist... like absolutely the Nigerian George Clooney, except he doesn't work in show business and it's all corresponding. Hey, do you ever feel like the universe is trying to tell you something when a particular topic is talked about, is a side attraction during a gossip, it's on TV, someone accidentally bought you a gift book- same topic or even at church? Anyways, it's not that all of a sudden I stopped believing my fairytale is out there, some exciting new things are occupying my mind. Things like how AWESOME God is, how he chooses the foolish stuff to make a mess of the too-school-for-cool-stuff, how I can never understand the depth of his wisdom or his existence.. for me, a concentrated deep thinker, I'm amazed. A friend of mine chatted to me about a seminar she attended, she used an analogy I found somewhat interesting. She compared God to a very powerful King who married a whore... talk about abominable acts and then she (the whore), in turn feels like she owes everything to him and decides to do only what is pleasing to this powerful King. The "whore' here refers to the world, especially Christians. She wrote: "... how great is our God, I think also that the fact that He saved me knowing my sin is pretty crazy is super cool... it's not like He saved me and discovered my sin and went 'oh crap!what did I just do?'... that just makes me desire to live for Him and love Him more...", I absolutely understand how she feels. Y'know people just want someone to be there when they're down, someone to say "I care" and mean it, someone to just say "everything would be alright". I find all these someones when I study the Bible and it's all I want to talk about.  I don't have a plan which is very unlike me and I suppose I could riff on a list of things I care as little about as mapping out one.... Let's see...Working out, The Nigerian politics, Boko Haram, HITV, Organic food, The Bush daughters, The O.C., The U.N., CNN, BBC and any other news TV. The Latin Grammys, What Footballer's earn and Australia.... I'm Just in awe of God's greatness! Okay, so onto the more carnally interesting stuff. I wrote a poem, "Girl" inspired by the word "Paramour" and I wasn't sure posting on here would be a great idea until "tweeps" insisted... in other news, I'm having some weird pregnancy-like food cravings, extra spicy Shawarma... enjoy your "Girl" :D

GIRL

Girl… she sits opposite the ghost, pale and vulnerable with a lot to say. They meet when it walks to her, they touch fingers passing through space. She thinks it's familiar and fearless, she knows it like she knows herself. It's like "word and opposite" but also like a synonym; One, the same and different. She to it is a doxy, in the darkness of her subconscious she's being pleasured and the reality of her existence is tinged with pain, bittersweet.


What real grandeur had your weekend to shout about, MisStress? Did you drink tequila like that's the name of the game- to kill her, lip rouge, chemise down… ticky tock, non-stop in your exotic world of selfish perversion. The goddess seductress, go on, be honest... no one can accuse you of a thing you're not. You are daughter of eve and your repertoire is prima.


Female. The lushness of pink. The definition of fragile. The strength of a tiger. She rides her bike through a hula-hoop set ablaze, blindfolded. She gives herself away, she puts herself together, she pushes a little harder and she never explains. Miss Glamour kitty-kat, her name is girl

Scribbles, scribbles, scribbles

Have you ever confused a dream with real life? Or faced a reality you had imagined, the exact same way? Or shoplifted when you could afford the piece? Or felt like your mind stopped working because you feel your strength subdued by a familiar aura? Maybe I'm crazy, but aren't we all freaks? Maybe it's 2011 and it was designed to happen this way. Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret, it's a character amplified. if you've ever told a lie and delighted in it, if you think stabbing people is funny to watch, if you say "like" every 3 words you speak during a conversation, if you've ever cried your eyes out because of someone else's loss, if you've ever partied all week non-stop, through a year. And friends, they were not perfect but I "loved" them, present tense applies also. Some I've seen, some never again but there isn't a day my mind doesn't wander to them. Managed to get on the other side,  trust me everything you see and hear from this place is ridiculous. The good thing is I've made space for new things to fill in. I'm happy, I've tasted extreme… I know what it's like to want to die, how it can hurt sometimes to smile, how you hurt yourself on the outside to suffocate a thing on the inside and how to exist without a plan.


I was very sick around January this year, doctor advised I visited a psychologist because I was diagnosed of nothing but Paranoia, what I didn't tell anyone was that I actually did. After two sessions, she diagnosed me of Borderline Personality Syndrome. It's an instability of self-image, relationships and moods caused by uncertainty of goals and may lead to impulsive activities that are self-damaging like drugs, excessive intake of alcohol and casual sex. The first question I asked her was "what kind of sex isn't casual?", she also said social contrariness, withdrawal and a generally pessimistic attitude would be observed. I thought she was a joke, last one I attended was January 3rd when I tried to prove that I wasn't crazy, only a little sick. I found my way to therapy when I found a church... let's not  concern you with the rest of the story.


My name is … well, I am Babe Ruthless. If a person can be defined, here goes: girl with abandonment issues, funky child, into pink but would rather do yellow, clumsy by nature, extreme somebody, lover of Shakespeare and music, somewhat selfish, supporter of world peace, kind of conceited (I often pray about it), errm… I can't remember the rest. When you want to become numb, death can seem like a dream but death- having the courage to face it and to careless about it's existence makes dreaming about it ludicrous and pathetic. I drifted from this world and all I can say now is I can now feel things again. whatever it was, I got over it using this place to talk and reading about God and trusting Him. These words are just thoughts, who knows… maybe I'm a liar but I went a little crazy to regain my sanity. I totally deserve a hug :)