To Find Reason In Madness...

This morning, I watched the reviews of plays by Shakespeare on TV and the one that caught my attention was Hamlet, the longest and, in my opinion, one of the most powerful tragedies ever written. Some people say that it sort of a story of early England based on lies, deceit, Lust for power and Pride. I cannot wait to read the story to a child and explain the religious, philosophical, psychoanalytic and feminist parts... Just as my dad did to me with Macbeth.

To find reason in madness, to justify exaggeration, to make believe that something isn't what it is and try to give it meanings that follow our standards. We can start with Love as painted in the movie, Titanic. Madness, simply put, is an exaggeration of character in this context, most of the time caused by a weakness, a need for something that creates an obsession.

I get a headache when i think about love, it's exhausting and sometimes a waste of time. At first, he said "I do" or something like that and now what it seems to be is "I did say", used to be "US" now it don't even feel like "you and I"... "you" and "I", used to be jealous of my friends and fill my wee(a)kends, now he's laying blame on my lap and delaying on conclusions. I meant what I said when he wasn't listening, sad thing is I may not be there to say it again to his hearing... It's exhausting! I'm tired of bargaining for affection and feeling guilty every time I see his people, I gain satisfaction from knowing what I'm doing, I thrive on possibilities and certainty. He has his mind made up, he's seen his idea of perfection and sits around telling me I need an excuse to go, he says he loves me but can't show me loving, wants out but keeps me in. Patience runs thin as i go through emotions, I need to be with him but the distance between us is shattering, I cry oceans, tears become orphans as my soul leaves it's apartment... back and forth. I need to lie down, the silence is too loud so I turn the music up but the lyrics remind me of LOVE. What should I do, whom shall I tell? Mommy says forget it and run as fast as you can, when you think you reached that POINT look beside you and smile, he'll be by your side but I'm scared to try alone. What if I fall, who's gonna pick me up? What if I get tired of running, who's gonna cheer me back to the race? The Migrane.... madness, where is my reason?

Yellow...

That's the color of my mood or should I say how I want it to always be. I told a little sad story about a girl who was raped by four men when she was a teenager, horrible story. she lost her virginity to a middle finger, honestly i find that part of the story hilarious. She got FUCKED UP!

you wanna know something funny? I like the English accent so much that whenever I'm reading a book or writing a poem or handling any form of literature I read it in my mind like an English woman would, even the laughs.

Anyway, I found that I have began to ask myself questions. I've never been the type to seek answers or ask about people's pasts etcetera, at the end you would be amazed at the things you would find. These questions are not the type you could just answer like "yes or no", the kind you ponder on forever. "Do we make the moments in our lives or do the moments in our lives make us?", "What is the purpose of purpose?","what is important; what we become or how we become it?"

I'm sitting here, thinking... to go all out or not?

FUCK, this is my blog and i would do with it as I please...

I want a cat and a cactus plant, a cat because i want to understand the feeling of being abandoned and a cactus plant because... you know, it wouldn't need me, they only need watering once a year... its excellent!

It's the election season here and I couldn't be bothered, call me selfish but the sun and people and the dis-organisation etcetera etcetera.... yeah I'm actually rolling my eyes at the thought. I hate politics, I hate the news, I hate to know the badness in the world, hell I cant even handle mine, I'd burst out trying to figure out these things, i definitely would.

Some seriousness now, it'll be easier for you to feel like the only one who's lonely, struggling, unsatisfied, maybe frustrated but I found out that feeling is a lie! Some people just need a little push, some support, a hand to hold, shoulders to hug or an extra ear to hear the tunes life plays and to remind them that it wont always be this way.

The crappy thing about sadness is how we cant control it, you know it'll be okay but you cant stop thinking about the matter. What I do when I feel the urge to cry I cry it out, knowing that it wont hurt so much in my chest if I let my eyes bleed it out.

We begin life as innocents with few obligations; homework, TV, sleep but as we grow it changes, we pledge allegiance to the flag and promise to return the library books and then age comes and we take on bigger vows, we get burdened by our commitments, to do no harm, to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, to love and cherish till death do us part.... we keep running the tap, procrastinating until we owe everything to everyone... is this you?