Serial Ideologue

Dear Twentee5, you know I used to think that true love is the only thing that can crush my heart. The thing that will take my life and light it out. Or destroy it. Then, I become a mother. At first, I didn't really understand the responsibilities and privileges until recently. A lot of times one has to step outside the person they've always been to remember the person they are meant to be. The person they are. I've never really given the matter of whether or not I'll be successful much thought. It's not one of the problems I have and I'm not bragging like I'm the heir to a multi- million dollar estate or anything like that. It just has never been in my top 50 greatest fears and still isn't. Honestly, one time I lost faith in myself and it turned out to be a good thing. I've always been so confident in knowing I can conquer the world alone, who was I kidding? How can I plan a tomorrow without the support of the "Giver of Life"? In the summary of James 4: 13-16, the Good Book says it will happen "if the Lord wills". Just in case you're wondering, the fear of being abandoned is my greatest fear. It's number 1-20 on my top 50 greatest fears... you know, different interpretations but same meaning. According to statistics, there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world, give or take a few. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Over six billion people in the world, six billion souls and all you need is one. I mean, where do you even begin?

I was wondering at why people have suddenly become frequent complainers. Why people are most excited during the weekends and why trend has become so cool. The depth of my thought led me to what I want to call "serial ideologue". My mind roamed from love, to change, to why we feel the need to overcome change and many other stuff I'm too embarrassed to share. When people say things like "people don't change" it drives me crazy because, as one that worshiped at the alter of science, change is literally the only constant thing. Energy. Matter. It's always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things we are instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific and spiritual indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that's up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.




What I've realized is that the moment you decide to analyze and attempt to make sense out of life, you'll end up with a lot of questions you cannot take eternity to find answers to. I sincerely want to be more than just happy, I want to live everyday in utter joy and gladness from my belly. So I made a promise to stop complaining and start appreciating. For truth, responsibility has become a huge part of my life that I always expect it to be there. I cannot remember a time in my life when it wasn't there. What I forget is how ordinary my life would be without these responsibilities. What would I be living for, myself? I know there are a lot of people like me who often feel like nobody appreciates their efforts, all they do is give give give and nobody even cares to stop and ask "how are you?" because they want honest answers. I would encourage you like I do myself, do not let your fire go out spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all else you kill the hero in your soul and rot in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. This may just be me talking to myself again but you should be self-inspired to enjoy everyday in gratitude. Are you so special that the "Giver of Life" decided to spare you one more day? The mind that dreams sees clearly, ahead. The world you desire, that persistent dream, can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible.

Here's to the Future...

As happens a-times, a moment settled, hovered and remained much more than a moment. Sound stopped and movement too, for much more than a moment… and then the moment was gone. In other words, I feel like a musician without her band- just me and my microphone doing resonating acapellas. I visited my village for my sister's wedding and speaking of the food and hospitality, I had a swell time. Also, a VERY long conversation with my grandma, last time I saw her I was 5 years old… she's 101 years old now, how time flies. I wanted to ask her a lot of questions but I was scared, not sure what my fear was about. Maybe she may not know the answers, maybe I'm scared to bother her with my problems or maybe I'm just scared I might get the answers… I'm afraid of knowing, It's funny but maybe someone should have interviewed my mom before she had a baby. As we strain to grasp the things we desire, the things we think will make our life better- money, education, for some popularity, fame, a social "relevance" (LOL), we ignore the things that truly matter. The simple things like friendship, family, love, the things we probably already have. The short trip opened my eyes to a lot of things, like hey, there's more to life than 140 character long texts, red carpets and fancy careers… let's start with a smile.



My grandma would dive at any opportunity to get company, I totally get her. She's still breathing, she still matters. For the first time ever, I met someone who's optimistic about death… pretty cool, huh? Anyways, on the matter, my uncle asked me what I'm doing about "finding a husband" and I CONFIDENTLY said nothing. That's not what I want else I'd have been Mrs miserable four years ago. I'm not quite the eloquent speaker, so I'm borrowing a few words from Shakespeare.  'Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds…' . When life gets hard, when things change, true love remains the same. After I heard my sister tell me of what she and her husband had been through in courtship, I felt a flexible joint of safety in my bones. I don't know how to say it but she gave me hope and I don't want to say it loud because what if Life finds out and tries to beat it out of her just to get at me? We all can use a little general feeling that some desire will be fulfilled. The feeling that everything would be okay and someone will be there to make sure of that. So here's to my sister and her hubby, to everyone who's married to LOVE, for LOVE and because of LOVE. Here's to hope, to remember today as the beginning of always. A promise. A reward for persisting through life so long alone, together. A belief in each other. A decision to ignore, to simply rise above everything. A covenant, which at once binds two souls and severs all prior ties. A celebration of the chance taken and challenges that lie ahead. Two will always be stronger than one and love will be the guiding force- the lamp, the yellow brick road. last night was mere formality, only an announcement to the world of feelings long held, promises made long ago in the sacred spaces of their hearts. Here's to love, for always and forever.