Scribbles, scribbles, scribbles

Have you ever confused a dream with real life? Or faced a reality you had imagined, the exact same way? Or shoplifted when you could afford the piece? Or felt like your mind stopped working because you feel your strength subdued by a familiar aura? Maybe I'm crazy, but aren't we all freaks? Maybe it's 2011 and it was designed to happen this way. Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret, it's a character amplified. if you've ever told a lie and delighted in it, if you think stabbing people is funny to watch, if you say "like" every 3 words you speak during a conversation, if you've ever cried your eyes out because of someone else's loss, if you've ever partied all week non-stop, through a year. And friends, they were not perfect but I "loved" them, present tense applies also. Some I've seen, some never again but there isn't a day my mind doesn't wander to them. Managed to get on the other side,  trust me everything you see and hear from this place is ridiculous. The good thing is I've made space for new things to fill in. I'm happy, I've tasted extreme… I know what it's like to want to die, how it can hurt sometimes to smile, how you hurt yourself on the outside to suffocate a thing on the inside and how to exist without a plan.


I was very sick around January this year, doctor advised I visited a psychologist because I was diagnosed of nothing but Paranoia, what I didn't tell anyone was that I actually did. After two sessions, she diagnosed me of Borderline Personality Syndrome. It's an instability of self-image, relationships and moods caused by uncertainty of goals and may lead to impulsive activities that are self-damaging like drugs, excessive intake of alcohol and casual sex. The first question I asked her was "what kind of sex isn't casual?", she also said social contrariness, withdrawal and a generally pessimistic attitude would be observed. I thought she was a joke, last one I attended was January 3rd when I tried to prove that I wasn't crazy, only a little sick. I found my way to therapy when I found a church... let's not  concern you with the rest of the story.


My name is … well, I am Babe Ruthless. If a person can be defined, here goes: girl with abandonment issues, funky child, into pink but would rather do yellow, clumsy by nature, extreme somebody, lover of Shakespeare and music, somewhat selfish, supporter of world peace, kind of conceited (I often pray about it), errm… I can't remember the rest. When you want to become numb, death can seem like a dream but death- having the courage to face it and to careless about it's existence makes dreaming about it ludicrous and pathetic. I drifted from this world and all I can say now is I can now feel things again. whatever it was, I got over it using this place to talk and reading about God and trusting Him. These words are just thoughts, who knows… maybe I'm a liar but I went a little crazy to regain my sanity. I totally deserve a hug :)

Deny Deny DENY!

Everyone is scarred. We have them like secret road maps of our personal histories and diagrams of our old wounds. Every time  I look at my left arm, I'm reminded of Buckie and Belly… my bunnies, they were the stars of my evenings (RIP). Some wounds don't heal, we carry them with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers. What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think but that's not the way it is, is it? According to my father, "the thing that brings a man down is the same over and over again". I can verify that statement, I grew up with the most amazing and incredibly smart man but he wouldn't keep off the bottles. So, I came to conclusion that some things we just have to learn over and over and over again. 


Deny, deny, deny! We deny everything; we deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed and the most preposterous is how we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces… no, we recognize it but how can we accept that we're wrong after being so right in denial? The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon; it doesn't protect us or make us untouchable, it makes us vulnerable, available for criticism, persuasion and temptation . We can only lie to ourselves for so long, we are tired, we are scared but denying it doesn't change the facts. You cannot fight the devil with a demon!




Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge like a cramp, a bit of soreness, the random pains you don't notice till you touch them like a rug burn, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore, a level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away until all you can think about is how much you hurt and how everyone else in the world is so different from you. How we manage our pain is up to us. We can anesthetize- drink it all away until we become comfortably numb and can no longer feel ourselves or embrace and ride it out with comforting support from loved ones or we can simply pray and hope the greater forces will help us push through it.



At the end of the day, when it comes down to it- reality, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distances and pretend not to care about one another, it's usually a load of bull. We choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to remain close by… a phone call or a PING!!! away at least. No matter how much we hurt them, they stick around- those are the ones worth keeping. Sure, sometimes close can be too close, like when you mistakenly throw on your best friend's underwear or when you go through your boyfriend's messages but sometimes, that invasion of personal space, can be exactly what you need.

Truth or Dare... sometimes a fantasy

Dear Twentee5, i think that generally speaking, this year has been a tough year for hearts. A lot of people died, disasters, riots, divorces, people lost their jobs, even broken relationships. Life is short and opportunities are rare so we have to be vigilant in protecting them and not only the opportunities to succeed but the opportunities to laugh - to laugh till it hurts, to see the enchantment and beauty of simple things and to live because life doesn't owe us anything, in fact I think we owe something at least, to the world. I like how I can close my eyes and see people as people; human- flesh and blood wrapped in a suit of disappointment. People are going to disappoint you, I totally get that but what happens if one day you wake-up and realize you are the disappointment? I want to draw something that means something to someone, but I can't draw. I can do this; write but the problem with writing is it's much. It's baring all, no subliminal or hidden rhymes can hide an emotion, there's no Picasso on the keyboard. I wish I could say everything I want to say but keep my identity hidden, be absolutely normal, like the passenger beside you on the bus, the stranger you stepped on at the market or even your sister.


Let’s play truth or dare, or maybe just dare, because nobody knows how to tell the truth anymore. I dare you to imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know… the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you? Wait! Don't answer that, you don't want to disappoint yourself, I mean if I were you I'd totally down the bottle of vodka instead… LOL! People who are meant to be together always find a way to each other. A wise man once said – “You can have anything in life if you’re willing to sacrifice everything else for it.” What he meant is nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you’re willing to lose. Too often going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right and letting someone in means abandoning the walls you’ve spent a lifetime building. Of course the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don’t see coming. When we don’t have time to come up with a strategy to pick sides or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us, and not the other way around, that’s when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear.

You know I've got a lot of my "there are two kinds of people in the world" theories, this one is pretty silly... There are lyric people and music people. The lyrics people tend to be analytical. They know all about the meaning of the song, they're the ones you see with the CD insert out like 5 minutes after buying it, pondering over the lyrics, interpreting the heck out of everything, quoting the lines and writing about the singers intentions. Then the music people who could careless for the lyrics as long as its just got like a good beat and you could dance to it. I don’t know… I think it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since I’m not, let me just say this; Somethings find you when you need them to find you, I believe that, and for me its usually song lyrics. Many people die with their music still in them. Too often it's because they are always getting ready to live, "I'll do this and that tomorrow"or "I'm saving this for her birthday"…Before they know it, time runs out. The fantasy is simple- Pleasure is good, and twice as much pleasure is better. Pain is bad, and no pain is better but the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something- there's only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomach ache with reference to my chocolate loving three year old and maybe that's okay or maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.