It is what it is!

I decided to remain inactive at one point expecting for the tragedy of my personality to seem aesthetically pleasing again, maybe I need a miracle or maybe I need to just sit and persevere with a joyful heart… but how can I? It's almost Christmas and the weather is still confused, almost as much as I am about who I am… and the gap, where I am now, standing behind the glass door staring anxiously at everything I want. It's painful, all the bitterness and heaviness in my chest is causing my back to ache… I'm not complaining. Everyday of this year has been the worst day of the year, sometimes I feel like I'm doing something substantial but then something(one) ruins it. Am I trying too hard? Someone once said life is like a pool, you have to let go and relax and take it a stroke at a time. I don't know how to just relax and remain totally dependent. I'm calm on the surface, everyone seems to get the vibe of warmth around me except me. I'm a restless soul, I want everything together at once and I do feel like I can do it but somewhere around the struggle I've lost my push, my will to will… dear Twentee5, *sigh*. It has been said that when you reach the end of your rope, you should tie a knot and hold on; but what happens when in the process of holding, your arms grow fatigued and your perspiring hands begin to cramp, causing you to lose your grip? There is a tiredness known only to the mind which encapsulates the spirit and invades the body to the point of what feels like an irreversible, inevitable demise, oblivion to self perhaps. Thankfully, feelings are not the final note... I have my brain but it's weak from all the pondering.

In this moment of melancholy, the desire to say what for now cannot be expressed, it hangs heavily on my chest. The need to speak in truth that which cannot yet be spoken in love, prevents me from opening the pressure valve on emotions long past the point of needing release... gagged by words not willing to be spoken, masking the pain of a spirit that lies helplessly inside me . You are not ready to receive the truth I am capable of sharing, I am not ready to speak it to my hearing either. I'm floating, falling, drowning in my mess... you cannot believe anything from me until I can conceive and accept the probability that what I want to be a lie is substantially true. If only I stepped outside the realm of deception in which I hold on to. The possibilities of me doing anything remotely connected to accepting the truth is HIGHLY unlikely so for now, it is what it is.

My Heart...

... loves a man
that doesn't understand
that while i can't imagine
a tomorrow without him
life has given me
a multitude of [to]days
from which he has been absent

my heart loves a man
who is not ready to accept
that i am so drawn to his intellect
that i can barely keep myself in check

the chatter in the background
disguised as the lives we live
will not afford us the opportunity
for either of us to consider
the possibility that we
could be
just what
the other
needs
wants
desires


the paths of our lives
somehow still managed to intertwine
and yet in a parallel dimension we exist
as we examine each twist
of the dance we do
first her
next him
then me
now you

my heart loves this man
and refuses to understand
why "yes" can't be maybe
"one day" can't be now
why "i love you" can't be enough

Serial Ideologue

Dear Twentee5, you know I used to think that true love is the only thing that can crush my heart. The thing that will take my life and light it out. Or destroy it. Then, I become a mother. At first, I didn't really understand the responsibilities and privileges until recently. A lot of times one has to step outside the person they've always been to remember the person they are meant to be. The person they are. I've never really given the matter of whether or not I'll be successful much thought. It's not one of the problems I have and I'm not bragging like I'm the heir to a multi- million dollar estate or anything like that. It just has never been in my top 50 greatest fears and still isn't. Honestly, one time I lost faith in myself and it turned out to be a good thing. I've always been so confident in knowing I can conquer the world alone, who was I kidding? How can I plan a tomorrow without the support of the "Giver of Life"? In the summary of James 4: 13-16, the Good Book says it will happen "if the Lord wills". Just in case you're wondering, the fear of being abandoned is my greatest fear. It's number 1-20 on my top 50 greatest fears... you know, different interpretations but same meaning. According to statistics, there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world, give or take a few. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Over six billion people in the world, six billion souls and all you need is one. I mean, where do you even begin?

I was wondering at why people have suddenly become frequent complainers. Why people are most excited during the weekends and why trend has become so cool. The depth of my thought led me to what I want to call "serial ideologue". My mind roamed from love, to change, to why we feel the need to overcome change and many other stuff I'm too embarrassed to share. When people say things like "people don't change" it drives me crazy because, as one that worshiped at the alter of science, change is literally the only constant thing. Energy. Matter. It's always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things we are instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific and spiritual indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that's up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.




What I've realized is that the moment you decide to analyze and attempt to make sense out of life, you'll end up with a lot of questions you cannot take eternity to find answers to. I sincerely want to be more than just happy, I want to live everyday in utter joy and gladness from my belly. So I made a promise to stop complaining and start appreciating. For truth, responsibility has become a huge part of my life that I always expect it to be there. I cannot remember a time in my life when it wasn't there. What I forget is how ordinary my life would be without these responsibilities. What would I be living for, myself? I know there are a lot of people like me who often feel like nobody appreciates their efforts, all they do is give give give and nobody even cares to stop and ask "how are you?" because they want honest answers. I would encourage you like I do myself, do not let your fire go out spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all else you kill the hero in your soul and rot in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. This may just be me talking to myself again but you should be self-inspired to enjoy everyday in gratitude. Are you so special that the "Giver of Life" decided to spare you one more day? The mind that dreams sees clearly, ahead. The world you desire, that persistent dream, can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible.